What happens when you run out of words

an exploration of selective mutism in my life

Photo by Houcine Ncib on Unsplash

There is so much I have inside
So much I’ve learned
So much I want to communicate
But when I think about sharing it,
I go blank.
No words come.
I feel mute.

I didn’t used to understand selective mutism.
I didn’t think I experienced it.
Now I know I do.
The times I have so much to say, 
but nothing comes to my mind.
The times I wanted to yell at at a bigger kid to leave my child alone, 
and no words came out.
The time I wanted to write a book about self-trust
and it turned into a few essays and a memoir.
The book I wanted to write just wouldn't come out
in the way the publisher wanted.

But I can usually find some words
in my writing groups,
when we start with a prompt,
or a tarot card.
Or after reading a passage in a book,
that sparks inspiration.
Then, the words flow.
I can even find words right now
to describe the mutism I feel
as I think about writing
something about self-trust
and just can't.

And I can always find the words
in a therapy session.
There my intuition 
and channeling
kick in.
I know exactly where
and how
to speak
and the words to say.
It’s like magic.
Healing magic.

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Have you experienced selective mutism?
Do you have times when the words flow, and times when they dry up?
What is that like for you?