A litmus test for relationships

Do you celebrate my autonomy or not?

Photo by Jen Theodore on Unsplash

this.
 a litmus test for relationships:
    do you celebrate my autonomy or not?

say no:
    disagree
    don’t accommodate
    don’t assimilate
    have your own opinion
    don’t try to make them feel better
    just let them be.

and notice:
    what are they saying?
    what are they doing?
    what is their body language?
    what is their tone of voice?
    what are you feeling around them?
    what are you feeling when they respond?
what strategy they are implying but would never admit to?
         are they trying to convince you of something?
         are they talking in circles?
         are they reactive? or too calm?
         are they implying that you owe them something? 
         or that you can’t make it on your own?
what meta message they are communicating?
         believe me, not yourself
         you don’t know what’s best for you
         i know what’s best for you.
         disagreement is betrayal
         being your own person is treason

sometimes it may sound brash and tough
just like the mafia:
    why would you betray me? i’ve been so good to you
    (but if you don’t agree, I’m going to have someone kill you)

sometimes it may sound polite and dignified like class supremacy:
    don’t get so worked up
    they demand respect for authority and position
    they demand calm, reasonable tones (no anger or raising one’s voice)
    shock at talking about anything important, only the weather

or parental authority supremacy:
 focused on keeping order and raising obedient kids,
 with maybe a touch of martyrdom…
    how you could you treat me this way?
    i’m your parent.
    i just want what’s best for you.
    this hurts me more than it hurts you.
    disobedience = rebellion against me and god

or white supremacy:
    there is so much here, but just a few…
    language - must be precise, genteel, dignified
    code switching required to even be in the running to be acceptable
    hair - must look as much like a white-person's hair as possible
    “professional standards:" must dress & present yourself like the white elite

or christian supremacy:
    disagreement = disobedience
    disobedience = refusing god’s gracious gift of eternal life
    disobedience = separated from god 
        (forever, unless you repent with all your heart)
    obedience = godliness
    you are god’s adopted child = your worth and identity are completely from
        him
    you can’t live separated from god
    what does it prosper a man to gain the whole world (i.e. to gain yourself or 
       your autonomy)?

or logic supremacy:
    i deal in facts
    i’m evidence-based
    that’s not logical
    you’re impulsive
    you’re too emotional
    logic and willpower will solve everything

or capitalism & free market supremacy…
or nationalist fervor supremacy…
or purity supremacy…
or able-bodied supremacy…
you get the idea
this list could go on and on.

These relationships, communities, movements, and systems are characterized by power, manipulation, and control tactics. They go by so many names: authoritarianism, fascism, “big brother,” narcissism, trauma bonds, cults, oppression, mind control, indoctrination, “polite society,” “the good side of town,” etc.

And none of them can handle your autonomy.
    Your self-sovereignty.
    Your self-determination.
    The simple fact of being your own person.

But you can.
And you are.
And you freaking love it.

Join us for “People-Pleasing to Self-Sovereignty” October 7-11.